Beyond fear: Finding peace in the face of death

"Baba, are you afraid?" I asked him as I watched him do with much effort what, to us, occurs without thought... breathe.

After the pandemic and after, "Teatment and prevention measures" and getting COVID, my dad was never the same again. He lost most function of one lung, and the other was old and abused from years of smoking (even though he had quit ages ago). It was a slow and tedious downhill journey from there to the inevitable, as his doctor stated clearly.

It was now years later, and the final leg of that journey drew near. The inevitable was unspoken but could be felt no matter how hard we ignored it.

"No, I am not afraid because I am assured of where I am going."

Yet somehow, we dared not believe that he was going to go there any time soon, and so we spoke about other things.

These were some of the last conversations I had with my father. You see, after that, he would soon be fully intubated and then have that changed to a tracheostomy, which meant he would never speak again and I would never hear the sound of his voice again.

I spoke; he pointed. I sang; he slept peacefully, and when he was restless. I held his hand and comforted him.

From December 23, 2023, to the last time I would see my father alive, February 2, 2024, I watched the inevitable inch closer and closer.

There is the sudden snatch and grab of death that many of us have witnessed, and there is the slow and steady approach of the unspoken that we began to be speak of and even embrace. With each day and each visit, the pit in my stomach grew deeper and darker. With each day and each visit, all we knew more and more was that Baba was going to die. When and where were the only questions.

Friday night - Saturday morning, February 3, 2024

When I could not pray anymore, I chose to praise, and it was in that praise and worship service that I had a vision of Baba rising through the elevator shaft of the hospital, surrounded by angels and ascending into the heavens. It was in that praise and worship service that I knew it was time to say goodbye, to let him know that he could rest and that we would be alright. And so, the very next morning, we went by, and I said goodbye. I told him he had truly been a good and faithful servant and the best father we could ask for. I sang to him one more time, prayed for him, kissed him, told him I loved him and He gave me one last nod. Before walked away, I lay my head on his chest and heard his heartbeat, a task as the sound of machines and the vents pumping air into his lungs beeped and huffed loudly. I felt his warmth and his arms around me ( even though i placed them there) one last time.

Sunday 10:30 pm

I know my God, who is mighty to save, make a way in the wilderness and part the sea, raise a man from the grave days later, turn water to wine, heal the sick, and walk on water. And so, on Sunday night, I called to Him. "What can't you do? You spoke and the heavens came to be, the light, the moon, the stars... all moved into position at your word. At your word, mud became flesh; at your word, waters give way. Your word says let all those who are weary come to me, and I will give you rest... well, here I am, weary, tired. Baba is weary and tired, mom, my brothers, we cannot do this anymore. Heal Baba completely because you can, or take him home to his eternal glory to be with you. I welcome death if you so will it, because like Baba, I am not afraid as I am assured of where he is going. Have your way. In Jesus' name. Amen."

12:43 pm

There were calls I had been dreading for months. Calls that stirred the dark water of the pit in my stomach. I got a call. No stirring, no pit, just calm.

"Hello?" "Hey sis, it's Kora. Yeah, the hospital called and told me Dad was not doing too well. I came over to the hospital, and... Dad is gone."

I let out my breath, the breath I was holding as I knew what he was goign to say and how hard it was for him to say.

"OK." How does he look?

"At peace."

Never would I have imagined that I would see death come and welcome it. Make peace with it and bring peace with it. I never imagined that Baba resting in peace would be my peace. Our peace.

His words came again, "Come to me all those that are weary and I will give you rest..."

PEACE.

Matthew 11:28-30

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.