Lets do coffee

Letter to Baba: Reflections on Life and Loss

Hi Baba,

This morning, I turned on the coffee maker and got busy making my morning cup. I reached for my phone to call you and do our usual morning catch-ups, but then I remembered you were not here.

I don't think I'll ever get used to the idea that you are not a call away, out of reach... gone. DEAD. But this time, it was not as painful, not as bitter, not as hard.

I look at your pictures often and wonder if you miss us. Part of me hopes not because what would heaven be like if you felt the grief we feel, the loss, the pain, the loneliness? No, heaven should be free from that. I hope you are dancing and singing. I know how much you loved to. I hope you are more alive than when I saw you last. A time and day I hope to forget, as I watched you fade away slowly, knowing all I could do, all I could offer, was the comfort and relief that came with drugs. I hope you are happy, filled with joy, and moments of peace and sheer bliss.

I recall how I came to see you every day with a caramel macchiato from Java House. They just weren't as sweet after that. It took me a long while before I could buy one. For as long as I can remember, you would take me out for coffee, and we would just chat or sit and watch people. I'm not sure if I love the coffee as much or if I love the memories that come with it. Sweet memories perhaps make it sweet to the taste, but only memories with no hope to make new ones, and that makes it pretty hard to swallow.

Oh Baba, I wish I could just call you and ask you what you want me to do, how you want me to handle this. I am sure you would tell me to live my life because you lived yours and go ahead to tell me the many wonderful, fearful, marvelous, and horrific moments that made living so abundant. How can living be so wonderful and so terrible all at once? How can I want to keep going and also want to give up altogether?

I'll tell you what though, I never want to forget you or any moment we shared. However, looking back on memory lane comes with such a blow to my heart. Many times, I avoid thinking about you, but the thought of you helps me keep going. So, after weighing it all out, I find that the pain of looking back is a price worth paying, for it allows me the courage to move forward and live fully. Knowing just as your life was, it's going to be hard and soft, wonderful and fearful, joyous and painful, and altogether abundant with flavor, and the bittersweetness that is like my coffee.

Until He calls me home...

Love you, Baba

Bible Verses for Comfort and Hope

1. John 14:27 - "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

2. Psalm 34:18 - "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

3. Revelation 21:4 - "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

4. Matthew 11:28 - "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."